I was sure we were done, so sure that I talked my husband into a vasectomy. We had three beautiful children and my life felt complete. I had the perfect family.
But…
Now, my heart longs for a new baby in our family. I can’t explain it. I’ve tried finding an explanation to this feeling deep down inside. The way I feel when I see a baby. The way I feel when I see a pregnant woman. I want to be able to explain it, but I just can’t. All I know is I want another baby. To feel a life growing inside of me, to anticipate each prenatal appointment with excitement, to stress over baby names, the anticipation of the arrival, I want all that again. I want to experience that feeling of seeing my baby for the very first time after months of dreaming about what he/she will look like. I want to hold my baby right after being born and watch as human instinct takes over and my baby nurses for the first time.
I want it.
But, my husband had a vasectomy two and a half years ago.
What have we done? That’s all I hear in my head every day. Every hour. Every minute. Every second.
I know that I already have three children. Believe me, I know. I don’t need to keep hearing it when I tell someone I want another baby. I know that I’m blessed. Again, I don’t need to keep hearing it. I love all three of my children dearly. They are my world. The reason I push through everyday to provide them with everything they need and pretty much all they want.
Is it so wrong that I want another baby?
Stefani says
I know what you mean by wanting another baby when your done. When I have those feelings, I think about the amount of grandchildren I am probably will have considering we have 4 children.
Crystal says
The more, the merrier…right? 🙂
Rachel says
{{hugs}}
What does your husband think? They can do reversals. . . .my husband wants a vasectomy, but I am so very, very hesitant — for the same reasons you’ve written here. I know that there could be a time when I’ll want another baby — I just hate the idea of “permanently” (or even semi-permanently) ending the possibility of another child.
Crystal says
Thanks for the hugs!
My husband is on board, thankfully. We’ve talked about the reversal and decided against that given that it only has a 40% success rate at best. We’ve got one other option that we are researching now.
Stefanie says
I am in the same boat but only have 2 children. My marriage is suffering cause I want another baby next year and my husband says no way and it is literally the only thing I can think about day and night. What happened with you? What is your other opiton?>
Tiffany says
I’m in the same situation. My husband and I have two children, and I’ve been wanting a third child for seven years. Sometimes I think about leaving him because he had a vasectomy two months after the second child was born, and he never went to a prenatal appointment with me. The desire nags at me every day.
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting says
There is NOTHING wrong with wanting another baby! Talk it over with hubs, see how he feels, and go from there. V’s are totally reversible, but we’re talking about HIS parts here, lol.
Crystal says
LOL, totally Lisa.
He’s cool with it, though we aren’t thinking about a reversal. We have another option that we are looking into though.
Thanks for letting me know I’m NOT crazy.
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting says
Definitely not crazy at all! And yeah, there is another way without the reversal, I think they can snatch some of his “baby juice” out and you can do invitro, I believe??
Crystal says
Yes ma’am, that is correct. Love that you called it “baby juice”, LOL!
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting says
HAHA, thanks! I had to call it something “PG” rated {giggle}
Julia says
I understand how you feel. My DH went through a vas last year after out 5 was born and I regret it some days. I just tell myself how much fun it is as kids get older and content myself with thoughts of grandbabies some day. I know my hubs would never go through a reversal and I know how rough pregnacy is on me.
I hope you and your hubs find a way.
Crystal says
Thanks Julia!
Sam says
I was still pregnant with our fourth child when my husband had his vasectomy, so I didn’t start to feel the loss until about a year after. I didn’t and don’t want any more children, but I still felt sad that we couldn’t have any more. Last year I had a hysterectomy and then I really felt sad about it. I think it’s more about coming to terms with a closed chapter in life for me, not about actually wanting more children.
Crystal says
I thought that chapter in my life was over, but as the days go by, I’m not so sure anymore.
Brandy says
I can understand that feeling! Some days I have the same feeling, but I personally hating being preggo, so I don’t long in the way you do. Who is to say how “many” children is right for a person?! If you want more, maybe you and your hubby should talk more, I think he can reverse it if this is seriously something you both long for?! I don’t know… but I do understand 100% … been there, the only thing that keeps me from wanting another baby is the fact that I wasn’t a very nice pregnant person.
HUGS – something will happen to make your heart fill full again … if a new baby is meant to be, you two will find a way to make it happen 🙂
Crystal says
I love being pregnant 🙂 I can gain weight and not feel guilty about it!
Karen says
Oh, I know exactly how you feel. I had my three children with my first husband, even though I knew for a long time I was married to the wrong person. I had my tubes tied after my third child was born. We divorced, and it wasn’t until I was almost 40 that I met my “right guy”. For a long time after we were married, I wanted another baby so bad, but our children were in their mid-teens when we got married. I still, after almost 20 years, wonder what it would have been like to have a child with this man.
Crystal says
I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has felt like this. Thanks for sharing Karen.
courtney says
of course it’s not wrong! Can’t they be reversed?
Crystal says
Yes, they can but the success rate isn’t that high.
Linda Kish says
My DIL’s brother had a vasectomy and a reversal several years later when he remarried. He now has 2 sweet little girls. So, they do work. Best of luck to you.
Crystal says
Thank you for letting me know there is hope 🙂
Beeb Ashcroft says
I don’t have any great advice to share, just (((HUGS)))! If the reversal/etc. ends up not working, you’re not totally out of options – perhaps adoption could be another solution to consider? I realize you wouldn’t have the experience of being pregnant, but it still might be a way to bring home a new baby. Good luck to you in whatever you pursue!
Crystal says
Yes, that’s true Beeb! I just hope I don’t have to go that route. 🙂
Heather H. says
Wow, what a dilemma-I’ve never been pregnant though I can relate to seeing other children and am really starting to open up to the idea of having a child though I’m still scared to take that leap. My mom always says she loved being pregnant, that there was no better feeling (she just couldn’t deal with all the children that came after the pregnancy). Good luck in your journey, follow your heart.
Muhajirah P says
lol, thats funny about the kids AFTER pregnancy!
Muhajirah P says
I never had a child, but I the way you wrote about
motherhood I know when I do it would be a joy. I thought Vasectomy
were easily reversable?
Crystal says
They are reversible, but it’s not all that easy. It’s actually like a 4 hour procedure and it’s not guaranteed.
Jennifer @ Mom Spotted says
I hear you completely! I want a baby and have secretly been trying for 2 years. Hubs doesn’t want his family knowing unless it happens and I understand why. My family knows and if I hear one more person tell me that I’m pushing my luck and I should be happy with the two beautiful, healthy ones I have I want to scream. What I really hate are the people who tell me if I continue to try this will be my sick baby. One with problems. Why would anyone EVER say that to a mother trying????
Crystal says
I’m sorry Jennifer. I can’t believe people would say things like that. If you’ve never been there though, it’s probably pretty hard to understand.
Lisa @ Simplified Saving says
One of my good friends had a reversal and they had 2 darling children after! You’re not crazy for wanting more! I really want to adopt more, but my husband isn’t completely on board. If it were up to me, I’d open a home for teen girls, so I think he’s worried that if we adopt it will be a teen girl and that I won’t be satisfied with just one more! 🙂
Crystal says
It’s good to hear another success story!!
I think it’s great that you want to adopt. Hopefully the hubby will come around.
Josee P says
Adopting is such a nice way of spreading your love around.
Cat Davis says
My guess is you’ll always have that feeling. We’re mother’s, it’s in our blood, our bones, our hearts to want those tender moments with our children.
Have you felt this way for a long time or is it more recent?
Vasectomies are reversible. 🙂
Crystal says
For a few months Cat. I’m hoping it goes away, but if not, I want to know my options and have the funds ready 🙂
Jess says
This is the exact reason I didn’t tie my tubes with my last baby….everyone said I should since I finally had my girl after 4 boys but I just couldn’t do it.
I hope this other option works out! Babies are such a blessing!
Crystal says
Thanks Jess!
Penelope G says
It’s normal, you are a woman, and babies are perfect blessings, and I totally understand!
Crystal says
Thanks Penelope!
HilLesha says
~hugs~
Crystal says
Thanks HilLesha!
Brandy says
I agree your not crazy you’re just a mommy and I think that’s something we go through and even as someone mentioned it could be about that chapter in life closing and realizing how quickly it came and passed. I know for us we’re hoping to start trying in the next 2 months for another one. We have just one child but lately it’s totally consumed me that I want another baby and even just reading/hearing/seeing anyone pregnant or a new baby gets me very sad. We are hoping to have 1 more biologically and then we’d like to adopt for a 3rd. I always said growing up I was NEVER having children because delivering hurt so bad LOL but I wanted to adopt and thankfully my wonderful husband is on board with that idea. Good luck 🙂
Crystal says
I think adoption is great Brandy! Good luck with TTC.
deanna says
There is nothing wrong with having feelings.
You can have the procedure reversed.
You can adopt.
You can love your children and wait for grandchildren.
You can babysit your badly behaved (neighbor’s/brother/sister’s children, cousins, etc) then realize maybe you don’t really want more.
xoxoxo
Crystal says
LOL, thanks Deanna!
Eileen says
Everyone’s dreams are different…everyone’s needs and capabilities and FAMILIES are different. So there is never a wrong or right with these questions.
I had four children…went through some rough relationship issues and had a tubal ligation…and then a reversal just four years later our son was born. We didnt tell people i was having the reversal…we didnt think it any of their business. We did hear a LOT crap from people…not even family but almost strangers. More as to the SIZE of family we were heading into. And when we had our last…the 6th, I even had people at work…total strangers inflict their opinions on me. One asked (when pregnant with my last…number 6, if this was my FIRST baby. When I told this man it was my 6th child, he says “hey, you know they HAVE something for that.(meaning birth control). Our baby was planned completely and I was shocked. People have their own opinions…but it is a couple decision…maybe a FAMILY consideration (such as the time and money involved, etc., but should never interject those opinions as a JUDGMENT on someone else.
I have 6 amazing kids…many are far apart in age so I really never felt too overwhelmed by them. I can not imagine one second of ONE day without them in my life. I would have had more if time had worked out on my side, but I knew 6 was a great plenty for ME. I know how you feel. I think we all go through it when we realize that part of our life might be over…but if it is something you and your husband and family REALLY want to consider…I am definitely a success story. And very blessed with TWO kids that were not “supposed to be”.
Crystal says
Aww, thanks so much for telling your story Eileen! I really appreciate your time and thoughts.
Sharon says
I don’t think you are crazy, I have two boys and got a tubal. And am now regretting that and am wanting another one.
I think it is awesome that your dh is with on this, hopefully it will all work out for you guys the way you want it.
Jordi says
i do not think it is wrong, we’re women, and mothers, and it’s in our nature to want these things!
adoption is a good thing, i am hoping to adopt at one point in my life.
Amy says
What is the other option aside from a reversal? Just curious.
I have read that the success rates are much higher than that for reversals – up to 90% in some cases. There is a place in Tucson that boasts as much anyway. I’m looking into this option with my husband.
Erin says
OMG I feel the exact same way!! We stopped at two so that we could afford more for the two we had. I never really wanted to stop, but my husband, coming from EVERY SINGLE family member in his family ONLY having two kids – “to be smart” – really wanted it this way. I wanted 4, but after my son, I caved and went along with the vasectomy. I have regretted that decision every day since :(. My kids are now 4 & 3 and I’m feeling all of those feelings I did back when we couldn’t conceive before my 1st born. So I feel the same way as you do, however, I feel trapped…since I tell my hubs how I feel and his response is a heartfelt “I’m sorry”. :(. I’m crushed, and it’s my own fault. :(((((((
amanda stoughton says
i feel the same way i only have 2 kids i never would have thought i would want more now i do want more i have 2 girls i want a boy and now my 3 year old wants a baby brother she even said she felt like she missed out on having one i have been depressed about this really really sad about this my husband wont get it undone
Crystal says
I know the feeling, all too well. If your husband doesn’t want to get a reversal, what are his thoughts on adoption?
sally says
hi
im just like you my partner has a daughter from a previous relationship who lives with us and we have 2 daughters together.
he had a Vasectomy when our youngest was 1 a day b4 our wedding anniversary and after i felt like my heart had been ripped out and i just cried for days and days.
Our youngest is now 5 and i don’t look forward to our anniversary at all the longing for more children is overwhelming dont get me wrong i love the ones we have to bits but i just cant shake the feeling of wanting more away i thought it would get better but it is still there in the back of my head all the time
Crystal says
I’m so sorry. With me, it did get easier. In fact, with the three I have, I feel complete. I’m afraid if we would have had another, it would have been to much.
I hope things get better for you. Big hugs!
michelle says
My partner has had a vasectomy, and he has 3 kids from 2 previous relationships. I want to be a mummy for the first time but we cant afford to get the procedure reversed. Every weekend his kids are here ot makes me cry to think I will never have that family. Think yourself lucky to have a family at all, someof us will never know that joy and always live with heartache.
janice says
My husband got his vasectomy done 19 years ago, he was very young 21 and going through a divorce, He has 2 boys from his first marriage (high school sweethearts), I met him when I was 19 very young and he a lot older 33. We got married when I was 21 and he told me to make a choice, him or children. 4 years later we got divorce for 2 years and remarried. Now we are married for 7 years. I know we suppose to be together I am now 36 and happier now then I ever was with our first marriage,but now I am wondering how wonderful it could be to have a child together. Just one child. The love we can give this child. I can’t remember the last time we had an argument. We phone each other 4-5 times a day that does not even include sms. To understand him, his ix wife was angry because he left her and she kept the kids from him. Loads of court fights and money battles between him and her. I can see why is does not want more kids, to get hurt like that again. I do not know what to do or how to talk to him about this. I always wanted a girl and call her Lynnora, Lynn my husbands mothers name and Nora my moms name.
Jenn says
I have the same ache in my heart for another.
My husband had a vasectomy knowing I was against it. He had some complications from the procedure, which just made it harder for me to accept the new him.
I hate him a little more each day for taking away the opportunity for more children.
I understand it is his body, but his decision has caused a lot of marital problems.
I prayed so hard that it wouldn’t work, buy at 12 weeks he had zero sperm.
I’m sad.
I cry everyday.
He doesn’t care, he’s done and told me to ind someone else if I couldn’t accept it.
So here we are 10 years of marriage and about to get divorced because of a vasectomy.
Bryn says
Jenn, just wondering if you ever worked thins out. Going thru same issue right newfangled b
sarah says
I know what you mean, but the difference is I have had no children, I have two step children from my husbands previous marraige and ive grown to love them, but my husband has had a vasectomy and I will never get to experience the wonder of a beautiful child. It breakmy heart but I love my husband and I wouldnt trade him for anything but, the truth is we cant afford a reversal and I know that I will always feel empty inside. I think to myself, wouls I even be considered a woman if I cant do what God intended for women to do. I dont know what to do. Im scared. I wish I had some help but no one will. I just want to feel the comfort of my own child in my arms or I’ll always feel inferior to every woman I see. Thanks for listening.
Sarah
Amanda with 3 says
Sarah you are doing good watching after children that are not your own. My mom did have her own and she adopted and i believe that even if you don’t have your own you are still helping other children in need of love. But it is kind of different when it is your own I completely understand. There is a thing where they can take sperm from him and to in vitro if you still wanted a baby. Just a thought I hope you find what your looking for.
Amanda with 3 says
My husband also had a vasectomy 1 1/2 ago and i have been hoping and praying that some how God would still bless me with one more baby even though I already have 3. If it’s meant to be it will happen. I pray that if it’s meant to be it will and if not he will let me stop wanting another baby so much and just be content with the beautiful babies I already have.
Sarah says
I know this is a very old post but in case anyone is reading through the comments, I want to let you know that chances of pregnancy after a reversal are actually very good…if you pick the right doctor! Make sure they do microsurgery and also that they do a lot of reversals. My husband and I had 3 healthy babies after the reversal. Pretty much right away with all of them!
Ali says
I realize this is a old article… but I am seriously struggling right now with this. We are in the same boat. My heart can barely handle how much I desire another precious life, it’s breaking my heart. Currently sitting on my couch in the dark sobbing, researching anything to help combat this feeling. We have four, three WILD boys and a girl. Everyone already says how full our hands are everywhere we go… but I can’t. Help this feeling. Trust me I wish it wasn’t there. Especially since my husband had his vasectomy four years ago after our daughter. But I just can’t get past this gut feeling- why do I feel like we are missing someone if we aren’t meant to have more? I just feel like there’s a ache in me that won’t stop and I don’t know what to do about it. I guess just venting here helps. So thanks.
Crystal says
Gosh Ali, I remember all those feelings all too well. I’m so sorry I’m just now responding. Life has been crazy.
I remember hiding in the shower and just bawling because I couldn’t imagine life without another baby. I will tell you now, I’m so glad my husband was the voice of reason. I couldn’t see past my own desires and wants but he could.
I’m so thankful for him for listening to me and giving me 6 months to think it over. He never told me no, he just told me that if I still felt that way after 6 months, we could go for it. By the time the 6 months was over I was able to feel content with my three.
You can reach out to me at any time. Just reply and I’ll send you my email address.
Big hugs! I know it’s hard.
Carm says
Ali, thank you for your post. I am glad I am not alone on this. How you felt then is how I am feeling now….. I have 4 and wish for another. My husband had a vasectomy and I am praying he is willing to reverse it. I hope it all turned out well for you.
Crystal says
Wishing the best for you, Carm!
J says
I know this is an old post, but I’ve been feeling all of this. My youngest of five kids is 4 years old. My husband had a vasectomy over 3 years ago. Right after I was feeling so much regret. To this day I still want more babies. I am very blessed to have 5 (4 that I’ve birthed) and I love them very much, but I have this constant tug to have more babies that I just can’t shake. I just had back surgery a few months ago with having issues for over 6 years, so in a way he was trying to help me (I reluctantly agreed to the vasectomy because of how I was feeling. Also not sure where we’d put more children in this house or in our vehicle without an option to find a bigger home or vehicle, even though I do believe things will somehow workout.) At the time we didn’t know what was wrong with me. Now, I’m really wanting more again, even though it doesn’t make sense financially. This is so hard. I don’t want my husband to go through a reversal. I just pray that somehow, miraculously, we’d be blessed with more children.
Crystal says
Oh, I remember these feeling so vividly. I hope you get the desires of your heart.