I’ve been pondering writing about this for a long while, pretty much since I started my blog. Not very many people know, but I am an egg donor. I will be writing about my journey in coming to my decision and pretty much be opening up my life to you. I know not everyone will understand and agree with my decisions and that is completely fine. I understand why I made the decisions I did and I can only hope that you will be understanding of my decisions.
When I was very young I was told by a doctor that I would never have children. I was young and really didn’t understand so I didn’t know to ask questions. So, I spent some of my teenage years wondering why I couldn’t have children. Wondering why God would be so mean to me and not allow me to have children. But now that I see the big picture, I see that he was molding me to have a heart for those who will and have been told the same thing I was told.
If you’ve never experienced infertility or been told that you can not have children, then you simply can not understand the effects that news will bring you. For most of us, we dream of getting married and having children. I know there are some exceptions but for the most part that is the case. One day you find your prince charming, you get married and have children. What happens when that fairytale is just that…a fairytale?
As most of you know, I have 3 wonderful children. The doctor was wrong and looking back I can’t believe all the pain and suffering that guy put me through. I was only 18 years old with no concept of infertility. But yet, I was told I couldn’t have children. What is crazy about this whole incident is I was told I couldn’t have children because I wasn’t having a normal monthly cycle. After doing hours and hours and hours of research, seeking information from women who actually were suffering from infertility, reading everything I could get my hands on, I realize what an idiot that doctor really is. I did have cycles, just not “regular” or the normal 28 days like most women. The doctor did no testing, nothing! Just told me I couldn’t have children.
After I found my prince charming and we got married, I would see pregnant women in the mall or grocery store and literally fall apart. I longed to be pregnant, to have the big belly, to feel the baby moving inside of me. And much to my surprise, I was pregnant. No doctors, no needles, no drugs…but I was pregnant. I’ll never forget that feeling of seeing those 2 blue lines staring at me. For years I thought I couldn’t have children, that I would have to adopt or just be childless and now I’m staring at a pregnancy test that I just peed on and it’s positive! I remember thinking how can this be? How can I really be pregnant? I remember sitting on the floor in my bathroom just crying, so thankful that I was pregnant.
And then it felt as if someone had flipped a switch and my happiness turned into fear.
I remembered those doctors words that I couldn’t have children and it felt like someone had put a knife straight into my heart. I remember thinking that surely something would happen and I’d lose the baby. I wasn’t even supposed to be pregnant anyway. I called my husband and my mom, excited and terrified. Ryan said he already knew because he had been craving the Ocean Water drink from Sonic. Not sure what that had to do with anything, but he said he knew. My mom was excited and they both tried to calm my fears. I’ll just say, I couldn’t quit worrying until I held that baby in my arms. Today, she is a wonderful, bright little girl that brings me so much joy. Her smile will light up a room and her heart is bigger than words.
Because this journey was not an easy one for me, I will be writing several different posts that led me to make my decision to be an egg donor. I hope you’ll read and maybe even be inspired. I’m so thankful for the journey, even the heartbreak and disappointment because I feel like I can connect with these families because of my experience.