I know it has been a while since the last one month update and I wish I could say there was a good reason why I’ve been quite. But quite honestly, there hasn’t been a surrogacy update because every time I would sit down to write, the tears would start falling, just like they are now. Because I didn’t want to deal with the emotions and the deep aching from my heart, I would push it further and further down my to do list, burying it as deep as I could.
This isn’t easy to write. In fact, I hate writing it. I hate not being the superstar that you all think I am. I hate not being able to say things are all peachy and happy and that I’m doing absolutely amazing and that the world has never been brighter. But it simply just isn’t how things are.
I told myself I would be honest about surrogacy, that I would share everything about surrogacy, and I haven’t done that. I’ve hidden my emotions, I’ve tried to sugar coat how much my heart aches, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this, all that I’m experiencing and feeling, is part of surrogacy. It’s not wrong. I shouldn’t be ashamed. This only proves that I’m human and it’s absolutely normal to feel this way.
Today, precious little Zachary turns four months old. I can’t believe it’s been four months. Four months since I said goodbye to the baby I had been carrying and caring for just as if he was my own. Four months since I walked away from the hospital, leaving the baby I had just delivered in the loving, caring arms of his parents. Four months. Wow. It’s really been four months.
My relationship with Zachary’s family is more than I could have ever asked for. They’ve been great about sending pictures and when I see that little boy and just how happy he is, it makes it all worth it. They sent me flowers for Mother’s Day, which couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. I woke up the Saturday before Mother’s Day feeling down, discouraged, insignificant and then there was a knock on my front door with flowers. It’s those gestures of love and gratitude that reassure me that I did the right thing.
Zachary’s parents have chosen to remain anonymous and I’m going to honor their requests but I wish you could see them together. I was looking back at pictures from the hospital when they were first meeting their little boy and it was more emotional than I thought it would be. One of the few times in my life that I was proud of myself. Proud of what I accomplished. Proud of what I’d been able to give someone. Proud of the family that I helped create. There simply aren’t words to describe it.
At one month it was all still so new and fresh and even now at four months it is still so new and fresh. I figured by now it would be a distant memory. One of those things you remember but really doesn’t affect your day-to-day life anymore. But it’s not. My brain knows what happened. It knew all along. But my heart and my body…they’re not doing so well. My heart aches for the baby it thinks I’m supposed to be loving on and my body aches for the baby that it thinks I’m supposed to be caring for. Every day is a constant battle, an internal tug-of-war.
I’m just now getting to where I’m not hating myself for feeling this way. I’m just now realizing that it’s normal. What wouldn’t be normal was if I could just walk away, unaffected.
Surrogacy is a gift of love. It’s a gift of sacrifice. And there is nothing about love or sacrifice that is easy. But I can tell you from experience that love and sacrifice can change your life. It can give hope and joy…for the giver and the receiver.
courtney says
Aww he is getting so big – the gift you have given them is so incredible.. An absolute blessing!!! 🙂
Crystal says
He is, isn’t he? It’s hard to believe it has already been four months.
Pam Carrie says
You have given Zachary the gift of life. It is now up to his parents to guide him. However, they did choose YOU to be his surrogate Mother, so they must have good judgment. You are a very giving and generous woman, Crystal, to be able to share your life, your body, and your time in this way. As I had much difficulty in getting pregnant and was married 10 years before I had my first child at age 31, I can tell you what great yearning I had to be a mother. You are an answer to someone’s prayers.
Ms.fab says
Beautiful you are such an amazing woman for giving such gifts
Crystal says
Oh, thank you.
Tara says
I adore you and you are a hero. <3 Thanks for being transparent.
Crystal says
Oh, Tara….thank you. It was hard but I felt like I had to.
Vanessa: the queen of swag ! says
You did a truly wonderful and selfless thing for a family to be. You should be proud of yourself and it’s an honor to learn from a woman like you.
Crystal says
I am proud Vanessa. I just wish it was easier on the other side. I’ll get through it and once I do, I’ll have a story of victory to tell.
Tiff @ Babes and Kids says
I don’t see how you could not feel affected by the whole journey and not still have emotions. I’m sure you will have those emotions for a very long time. I think that’s what amazes me about surrogacy, is how selfless it is, yet you still have all of those emotions. He is just too cute. I love how he has his little tongue sticking out in all of those pics. I wanted to add that you are looking tiny and great for 4 months post partum. I saw some of your pics on FB that you posted from Florida and I would have no idea that you just had a baby 4 months ago!
Crystal says
Awww, thanks Tiffany! I still have a pooch but I’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight. His little tongue cracks me up. I know it will get better, it’s just pushing through until then.
Jenna says
I clicked on this when you tweeted it earlier this morning and it has been open on my computer ever since.
I’m a birth mother.
I also didn’t believe that I would feel sad, that I was stronger. I candy-and-sugar coated for much longer than you have, sharing this truth only four months out. A decade into all of this, the loss has never gone away, the grief is still there. But it’s not as constantly-in-my-face as it once was in the days, weeks, month and yes, even first years of it all.
I will be thinking of you. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you want to talk.
Crystal says
Thanks for the offer, Jenna. I’ll probably take you up on it.
Penelope (NYC Blogger) says
Post pregnancy hormones are bad enough when you have your baby in your arms, I can’t even imagine what you are going through. But I love this post, because I wondered how the heck you were able to do it so easily, and now I see that you (because you have the heart of a mom) really didn’t find it so easy, and that makes total sense to me…you did a wonderful thing, but it hurt to do anyway because it’s NEVER easy to let go of a baby, even if you were carrying it for someone else.
(((Crystal))) I’m so sorry, and I’m not sure if the pain will ever totally go away, but as you see him grow up happy and well cared for, at least that will be something to help you…he is here because of you 🙂 You did a beautiful thing, you brought him here to bless this world with his presence.
Crystal says
Thanks, Penelope. I tried so hard to hide behind the hurt, but in the end it was doing more harm than good. I realized I had to, to begin healing. I know in time it will get better. I still wouldn’t change anything though. That’s how I know I did the right thing 🙂
Stefanie says
I honestly don’t know how surrogates do it– what you’re feeling has to be normal.
TawndaM says
*sniffle* You honestly did great… <>
Crystal says
Thank you, Tawnda!
Robin Gagnon {Mom Foodie} says
I can easily see how this would be a jumble of mixed emotions. He is an adorable little boy and you truly blessed his parents.
Colleen says
Hugs girl, you did an awesome thing and you know that. I hope that over time the hurt is a little less because you deserve it!
Crystal says
Thanks, Colleen. I know time heals and I’ll be fine. It was therapeutic to write it all out.
HilLesha @To the Motherhood says
Honestly, I’d most likely feel the same way. However, what you did was beyond amazing! He is absolutely adorable.
Crystal says
Thanks, HilLesha. I don’t regret it one bit 🙂
Theresa says
You are a hero. <3
Crystal says
Oh gosh, thank you Theresa 🙂
Rachel @ Following In My Shoes says
Sweet, Crystal. I wish I had words of advice — sage phrases or just the right verse to pass on to you. But I don’t. I only have my admiration, prayers and virtual hugs.
Don’t be ashamed of how you feel. And, don’t bottle it up.
Crystal says
Thanks, Rachel. I knew I had to write this to begin healing. It definitely wasn’t easy, but I know I did what I was called to do and in the end, I’ll be fine. It’s just getting there that’s hard.
Leilani says
You are amazing and I can only imagine how hard it is for you. (((HUGS)))
Crystal says
Thanks, Leilani.
Emily @FamilyNLifeLV says
This gift is so amazing and selfless. I can’t imagine the ache you feel. Hormones after pregnancy are insane with a baby by your side… I don’t know what I would do if that baby wasn’t there. I hope you will find a peace in your ache. I know you know you did the right and best thing. I just hope one day you can look and smile without ache. Praying. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, the whole journey. XO
Crystal says
Thanks, Emily! I look forward to that day when there isn’t that ache but even with the ache, I can’t help but smile when I think about the journey. I wouldn’t change any of it, even if I could.
Shell Feis says
I think you are a superstar BECAUSE you shared your feelings. Well, and for doing this in the first place. You’re a strong woman & it’s okay to hurt. You did an amazing thing.
Crystal says
Thanks, Shell.
ellen says
What you did, and gave to someone else is something words can’t describe. You are a human being, of course it can’t be like dropping off a sack of potatoes, it was a gift of love and with love sometimes there is pain.
I hope in time your pain eases, because you brought joy into the world .
Crystal says
Thank you, Ellen. You are right, it was a gift of love. I don’t regret it one bit!
Tricia Nightowlmama says
he is such a happy baby look at him. Such a blessing.
Kelly @ A Girl Worth Saving says
((hug)). I’m glad your getting this out. I found that by being honest and admitting what is in my heart, I can finally move towards letting it go. You are amazing for doing this and I don’t know how it could not be a struggle.
Crystal says
Thanks, Kelly. I’m glad I did too. It was hard, but I know in the end it will be beneficial to my healing.
Nichol says
I can only say these would all be very normal feelings, they’d have to be. You gave such a great gift to a family. Writing this for us all to see was brave and like you say you have nothing to be ashamed of, you’re human. He is such a cutie!
Crystal says
Thanks, Nichol. I’ve never thought of myself as brave.
Lisa says
((hugs)) You are awesome.
Crystal says
Thank you, Lisa.
Lolo says
Oh Crystal, I just want to give you a big hug. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. In time, I am sure it will get a bit easier.
Crystal says
Thanks, Lolo! I’ll take the hug next time I see you 🙂
Jennifer The Quirky Momma says
You are inspirational and amazing!
TerriAnn @ Cookies & Clogs says
I’m glad that you’ve come to not be ashamed of feeling this way. I can’t imagine what it would be like to share such a special bond of having a little person grow inside of you but realize that bond was just temporary. I’m sure he’ll forever be a part of you, just as much as your own children. I’m glad that his parents have been so open and appreciative to you 🙂
Crystal says
They’ve been phenomenal! Thank you.
Kathy Steele says
As a woman who has not been able to carry a pregnancy I believe what you did for that family is AMAZING! It is the most wonderful, unselfish and giving thing a person can do. On behalf of everyone in their and my shoes THANK YOU!!
Crystal says
I’m so sorry to hear that Kathy. I hate infertility. So many loving couples have to battle this silent struggle. Huge hugs to you, my dear.
Emilie says
I agree with so many of the other comments that I was wondering how you were getting on so well because I KNOW I’d be feeling the exact same way. Pregnancy and post partum hormones make (most) feel a super strong attachment to baby. Knowing that he belongs to someone else isn’t going to change what your body is telling you. It is so natural. I applaud you for being perfectly honest because it can’t be easy to admit all those things out loud. It is certainly the main reason I haven’t dug real deep into the surrogacy option because I fall so madly in love with my babies (my hubby is convinced I get some extra shot of hormones). And even if I constantly told myself it wasn’t my baby, I know my heart would ache to give them up, even if the baby wasn’t technically my blood. I think it is what makes us good mamas. And the fact that you are willing to take this journey and those feelings head on for another couple makes you so very special and selfless indeed. {hugs}
Crystal says
Thank you, Emilie. I tried to be strong and push the feelings and emotions aside thinking that if someone truly knew how hard it was, that they wouldn’t do it. I want women who feel they are called to be surrogates to enjoy the journey. Not spend the entire process scared of the future. I researched surrogacy and not once did I read how hard it was afterward. I truly thought it would be easy for me. It wasn’t my blood, wasn’t my baby. But I quickly figured out that these women must suffer in silence or either they are stronger than me. Regardless, the whole story needs to be told and as hard as it was, I knew I had to. Even with the struggle, I wouldn’t change anything. I would do it again in a heartbeat.
Sheri says
I love that you wrote this. I have always wondered how surrogate mothers do it, and I’m grateful to hear the true feelings that go along with it. They sound like perfectly normal reactions to me and it’s just another sign that you have really done an amazing thing for that family (((HUGS)))
Crystal says
Thanks, Sheri!
Jennifer Sikora says
I just finished reading a novel by Angela Hunt called The Offering. Oh Crystal — if you read it, you would so feel this woman’s emotions in the pages. You are amazing and an inspiration to so many. I am truly glad that you are honest and open about how you are feeling. So many women go into surrogacy thinking they won’t be affected.
Your story will touch so many and God will truly honor that. You have such a big blessing in store to give to another couple who desperately wanted to have kids but could not. If no one else says, I am proud of what you have done.
I am sure that God felt the same way when He gave up Jesus for us. It was hard for Him, but in the end, He knew what was best 🙂
((hugs to you today my friend))
Crystal says
Thank you Jennifer, for the virtual hugs and the kind words! I’ll have to add that book to my wishlist.
Courtney Solstad says
You have given the gift of life and I can’t imagine that was easy at all. I loved reading how “real” you are allowing yourself to be! We only get to live one life and living it behind a mask isn’t living it!
Annie @ Mama Dweeb says
This was beautiful and raw. Crystal, thank you so much for sharing your true, honest heart. I do not know first hand, but I want to say how much I admire you for sharing it here in the public. Others who HAVE gone through this will read this post and understand that it is normal, and they are normal. You are helping so many just by sharing your troubles.
Crystal says
Thank you, Annie. It is my hope that other women will read this and truly understand surrogacy. Every part of it.
Lisa @ Crazy Adventures in Parenting says
I completely understand where you are coming from. They explain the hormone shots, the fertilization, and the physical demands, but they never explain the emotional demands by becoming a surrogate. You, my friend, are amazing, and your emotions just further prove that. This little boy is so lucky to have had you as his home for close to ten months. I hope you know just how wonderful and special you are.
Please tell me you’re coming to SW this weekend so I can hug the ever-loving CRAP out of you!
Crystal says
Thank you, Lisa. I understood the whole process, I just had no clue how I would be affected when it was all over.
I am not coming this weekend 🙁 I’ll hold you to the hug though next time I see you 🙂
Rhea says
This is so interesting to me because I NEVER had any of these feelings after I delivered my surrogate babies. I never yearned for them, my heart didn’t ache. I only had happiness for the new families and relief that I didn’t have to care for triplets! lol I wonder if that means something is wrong with ME?
You know I understand the wonderfulness of it all. The feelings of accomplishment when you saw that family for the first time. It’s what I hold in my heart and cherish the most. Not the children.
Time will heal. ((HUGS))
Crystal says
I have extreme happiness for Zachary and his parents. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change a thing. And if this makes any sense, I don’t yearn for Zachary.
I haven’t completely made sense of it all myself, but never once have I thought or wished that Zachary was mine. He isn’t mine, or my husbands, but that doesn’t heal the hole in my heart or make my heart ache any less.
I cared for him as if he was my own, following the rules completely, singing to him, talking to him. I wanted him to feel loved, even though he wasn’t mine. I knew he wouldn’t be coming home with me, but I wanted him to feel completely safe and comfortable during our time together.
I’m not holding on to him or the memory of him. I took this journey because my family was complete. I wanted to help complete another. Maybe my heart is more sensitive than yours? I don’t know. But honestly, I don’t think there is anything wrong with EITHER of us. We are all different. We handle things differently. But I wasn’t going to remain silent on how I was feeling for fear someone else didn’t feel the same way.
Not So Average Mama says
You have done an awesome thing! Your feelings are totally natural! You are a rockstar!
Crystal says
Awwww, thank you. I appreciate it.
Deanna @ mommyGAGA says
You have given the most precious gift that anyone could receive. Simply amazing! I do believe you will heal little by little in time ♥
I love that you decided to share your true feelings, this may help others who are feeling the same way due to surrogacy or other loss of a child.
(( HUGS ))
Crystal says
Thanks, Deanna! It was hard to get out so I do hope it helps someone else.
Jennifer @ Mom Spotted says
Hugs mama, I can only imagine the pain you feel but I’m so glad you feel the happiness too because what you did was and always will be amazing. I don’t think any less of you because your heart hurts. Even though he isn’t yours and you get that your heart still grew to love someone who is no longer there. Hugs mama.
Crystal says
Thanks, Jennifer! I appreciate your support and kind words.
Tesa @ 2 Wired 2 Tired says
What a heartfelt post. I can only imagine how you must feel and the daily ups & downs you must face. It’s wonderful that you wrote this to be honest and transparent. I’m sure it will be very helpful to others who are contemplating surrogacy and will enable them to be prepared for the emotional attachment that comes along with it.
Crystal says
Thanks, Tesa. There are ups and downs for sure, but even knowing the pain afterwards, I would do it all over again.
Alba Garza says
You are such an awesome person!!! Thanks for always sharing your experience with us. You are amazing!
Crystal says
Thanks, Alba!
Maryann says
when I read what you were doing, I knew I couldn’t be that strong. He is a beautiful little boy.
Kathleen says
Awww, he is so precious. I just got to see my little surro-baby a few days ago when we were in Arkansas and I can’t believe she is about to be one.
Crystal says
Oh, how exciting Kathleen. That’s awesome. I’ll be seeing little Zachary at the end of the month.
Staci says
I LOVE that you are human. You made an amazing sacrifice and should feel every ounce of love for the little guy. I pray that you forever have the relationship with him and his family. I think it would be therapeutic for you. He is gotten so incredibly big and, by the way, you are a rock star in my eyes!
Crystal says
Thanks, Staci! Sometimes I wish I was not affected by it, but then it wouldn’t have been a sacrifice. I always try to put others needs before mine, and sometimes it is more difficult than others.
Marcie W. says
Thank you so much for writing such a personal post and sharing your honest inner most feelings and emotions. Our family is happily complete with three children, however as someone who struggled with infertility myself, I have secretly debated surrogacy a few times within the last three years. What has stopped me is the possibility that I may feel exactly as you do now. So, just as you helped Zachary’s parents become a family by carrying that precious boy, you continue to help others, like myself, with your openness and honesty.
Crystal says
Thank you, Marcie. Although surrogacy is hard, I would do it all over again in a heart beat. The rewards are far greater than the sacrifice.
Mitch says
I didn’t think it was appropriate to tell you when I saw you, but I can speak a little bit from the other side.
As someone who could not have a baby on his own, I was able to adopt a baby and it was the dream of a lifetime come true. The biggest gift from God I could ever have imagined (and you met him!).
I could go on forever, but instead I will just tell you that you are an absolute ANGEL. You gave a gift that cannot possibly be measured. You helped create a family.
Go through all your feelings and emotions, that is how you get to the other side. And know in your heart that the happiness that you have with your kids is something you were able to give to people who could not have kids. That makes you an absolute ANGEL from heaven!!!!
I had been wanting to tell you that since September!
Mitch
Crystal says
Thank you, Mitch! It was so nice seeing you and your family this weekend.
Connie Seattle Mom Blogger says
I’ve been thinking about you. I’ve wondered how you were doing. I know it has to be very, very hard. You’ve done so much to be proud of, but this isn’t your only accomplishment. You’re a fabulous wife, mother, blogger. You’re an incredible person.
Sending hugs as you move forward with a new title of fabulous surrogate mother.
Crystal says
Awww, thanks Connie. Your kind words mean so much.
Stefani says
Since you had him, I have been wondering how you were doing. You are such a sweet person and I had a feeling that you were hurting inside because leaving a hospital without the baby you have been carrying for 9 months must be the hardest thing in the world. I am glad that you shared on this post because I know that I am not the only one curious to how you are feeling.
You have done something so amazing and its great that you are keeping in touch with the family. I hope you keep us updated as the time goes by too!
Lots of hugs!!!!
Crystal says
Thanks, Stefani. I’m not good at sharing my inner most feelings and I prefer to keep that side of me hidden. I think of myself as a strong person, but right now, I don’t feel so strong. It is nice to have support from all of you. It’s heartwarming.
Kelly @ Texas Type A Mom says
My heart breaks for you and tears stream down my face as I write this too. I can’t imagine the feelings that you’re experiencing right now. Our maternal instinct is to care for our young. We can’t dictate how we feel or react and to your body and your brain, this baby was your own. I hope you’ll be able to take comfort in the fact that you’ve done something many other women (myself included) couldn’t have done and is so incredibly selfless and wonderful at the same time. ((Hugs))
Crystal says
Thank you, Kelly! I know I’ll come out stronger on the other side, if I can make it through the battle. Thanks for the virtual hugs 🙂
Lorie Shewbridge says
I cannot imaging going through the feelings you are, I’m sure your hormones are also playing a part in how you are feeling. You know how I feel about what you have done, I am in such awe of you, and know that it is such a beautiful and loving thing you did for this family.
In so proud of you for writing this and being so honest in your post. You are a brave, wonderful woman.
Crystal says
Thank you, Lorie. Those dang hormones. Sometimes it’s hard being a woman 🙂
Dad says
Crystal
I am proud of you and what you were able to do for this family. Just keep trusting in God and he will bring you through this. You did a wonderful thing and this is just one of many things that you have done that I am proud of. I am honored to be called your Dad. I love you and I wish I could take away the pain but since I cannot I will be here for you to help you through it. Live you baby girl.
Dad
Crystal says
Thanks, Dad. Love you too.
Donna says
You are Ah-mazing, Crystal! And everything you feel is normal… normal for you. You are entitled to feel what you feel. Whether Zachery is yours or not, you carried him so you have all those hormones going on. You gave such a precious gift to a couple, and YOU are a precious gift yourself. Thank you for sharing such a personal post with us. {{{hugs}}}
Crystal says
Oh, thank you Donna! I appreciate your kind words.
Jenn says
You SHOULD be proud of yourself. That’s amazing.
Crystal says
Thanks so much, Jenn 🙂
Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell says
I’m not the least bit surprised that you’ve been struggling but it pains me to know that you’ve been trying to put on a brave front about it. I’m so sorry that you are hurting this way, but happy that you feel fulfilled with having had the chance to help another family in this way.
Love you.
Crystal says
Love you, Liz! It brings some comfort knowing what I accomplished will bring a lifetime of joy to his parents.
LyndaS says
What an incredible gift you gave them.
Shannon says
I can’t even imagine how hard that was to write. You have been in my prayers daily. You are amazing and you SHOULD be proud of you.
Crystal says
Thank you for your prayers Shannon. I really need them.
Mellisa says
Oh Crystal I am in tears right now. I can only imagine the tug of war that your heart must be going through. You seriously are one of the most amazing people I have ever met!!! I struggled getting pregnant with my first son and after two heartbreaking miscarriages I wondered if I would ever have a baby. I wanted one so badly and I thank god everyday for my two kids. I can’t imagine how I would have felt not being able to carry my own. The gift that you gave these two parents is one that no one else could have ever given them.
I pray that your heart heals quickly 🙂
Crystal says
Thank you, Mellisa! I hate infertility with a passion and that’s why I needed to do what I did. In time my heart will heal, I know that, but I felt I had to be 100% honest about this journey, for myself and others who may be feeling the same way.
Jenn- The Rebel Chick says
Oh my goodness, it’s cuteness overload looking at him. I’ve said it before but I will say it again, you are amazing to have done this!
Crystal says
He is full of cuteness 🙂 Got his four month pictures last night and he just gets cuter each time I see him.
Elaina- @atimeout4mommy says
I’m so sorry you have these mixed emotions- wish it could be easier for you, but you did something so unbelievable wonderful for a family that many people would never be able to do.
Crystal says
Thank you, Elaina!
Jennifer says
I’m still in awe of this amazing and wonderful gift you gave to a couple. He is absolutely gorgeous and getting so big.
Crystal says
Thank you, Jennifer. It was such an awarding journey.
Missy says
Crystal, I keep praying for you, and so is my husband! We both think the gift you gave is a beautiful, self-less act that is priceless. Your post is wonderful, don’t ever beat yourself up for being too honest, that’s part of why you started sharing the journey on here anyway, to give an unabashed, unfiltered, realistic account of the journey. Don’t feel bad for the time it takes your heart and mind to heal, either. I get that you don’t necessarily yearn for Zackary, but your body does, and it’s just going to be a process, one that might last a very long time. I think you are doing fantastic. Keep sharing, all these people love you and want to hear more!
Crystal says
Thank you, Missy. Your prayers are much appreciated and needed.
April Decheine says
I have been away for so long, what an amazing story! You are so amazing! God bless you!!
Crystal says
Thank you, April!
Angela says
I honestly would be worried if you weren’t feeling this way. Your feelings just show that you are a loving, caring, giving person with motherly instincts. You’ve done a beautiful thing and have nothing to feel guilty about.
Crystal says
Thank you, Angela!
Kelli Claypool says
What an amazing blessing you are. You have me in tears and in awe over your selfless sacrifice. You are such a beautiful person. Thank you for being so transparent and honest in your post. I’m simply wow’ed by you!!!
Crystal says
Thank you, Kelli! It was hard being so real, but it is what it is and I am what I am. It’s all out in the open 🙂
Crystal Putnam says
God will bless you for this wonderful thing you’ve done!!! Thanks for being an amazing member of Social Fabric! You are in our thoughts! #cbias
Crystal says
Thank you, Crystal! (great name, btw)
Becca @ Mama B says
Oh my goodness – he is precious!!
Crystal says
Isn’t he?!? And he’s even more adorable in person. Still can’t believe I got to hold his little body last week 🙂
Jai says
Such cute and happy pictures! Just brightened my day a little. 🙂
kristin says
With tears in my eyes I’m sending you tons of hugs!
What a gift you’ve given and he’s just perfect!
Crystal says
Thanks for the hugs! They are much appreciated.
Pam Carrie says
I was married 10, almost 11 years before our first son was born. My husband and I were happier than you can imagine.. We had been through though those many years of infertility in our marriage, and then one miscarriage. Oddly, it gave me hope that I could, at least, get pregnant. Now our oldest child is age 34. Our daughter is 29. I feel so lucky to have been a Mom and now a Grandma. My despair during those years of infertility was such a month-to-month sadness. No one knows unless they have been through that sadness. You cannot imagine how many baby showers I went to with a deep sorrow in my heart for what I was missing! I loved being a Mom. I am so thankful for FINALLY finding a Gynocologist who could help us. YOU, Crystal, are the answer to some couple’s heart’s desire and fulfillment. I cherished the life experience of raising children. Now, I love the opportunity to help my children with their child care. Never underestimate the gift you have given.
Crystal says
Thank you for sharing your story Pam and thank you for your kind words. It is because I can’t imagine a life without children that I did what I did. Children truly are miracles, no matter how they are brought in our lives.
Pam Carrie says
I agree, Crystal, children are miracles. I truly believe that appreciation for the small things in life is so important. I am so very thankful just to watch my grandchildren at play!
Meghan @JaMonkey says
It’s so great that you’re sharing your story for others. Even as much as it hurts to. He is turning out beautiful.
Karina says
Adorable!!! Thanks for sharing… I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through! Stay positive and tough!
Crystal says
Thank you, Karina! I really appreciate it.
Shannon (The Mommy-File) says
You are amazing and an inspiration to others Crystal. You gave parents the blessing of life that they might not have had if it weren’t for you love and generosity. This was an honest, heartfelt post and I’m sure we all appreciate it. 🙂 xoxo
Crystal says
Thank you, Shannon. I’m so honored to be a part of their story.
trisha says
He is just SOOOOOOOOOOOOO gorgeous. YOU did that!
Theresa @ Faith and Family Reviews says
Zachary is beautiful!
I am so glad you shared this post and are finally working through some of the feelings you have been experiencing. You did a wonderful thing! Hugs!
Crystal says
Thanks, Theresa. It was therapeutic to write it all out.
Wendi S says
I am proud and amazed at how strong and loving you are, I bet the Big Man upstairs is too. I fostered and had slightly similar feelings. But giving birth to a human being is probably the most powerfully strong bond any two people could ever have and its got to feel like a piece of you is missing. I know you know what you did was right and beautiful and I hope you have complete peace some day just knowing that. You gave birth to four amazingly beautiful people and that is a fact that will never change. Blessings to you.
Crystal says
Thank you, Wendi. We are at the six month mark now and I’m feeling better and am able to embrace this beautiful journey and all the emotions that came along with it. I know in time, it will be much easier.
Erin C says
Your sacrifice is inspiring. Your sense of loss is natural and shows how much love you gave to Zachary and his family. You are a wonderful person and you should never feel insignificant. You are continuing to give Zachary and his family the gift of his life – every day of yours. You should be very proud of yourself.
Crystal says
Thank you, Erin. I am proud but most importantly, I’m honored to have had this opportunity. It’s a journey I’ll never ever forget!
Amanda @runtothefinish says
totally gave me goosebumps! It takes such a strong person to do something so selfless, my hats off to you. I am very lucky to have met you and I hope we can chat again soon! I have so much to learn from you in all of life!
Crystal says
Thank you so much Amanda for your kind words. It was so nice meeting you in San Diego.
T. Marie says
I really must applaud you for doing this. I have always believed you needed to be a strong person to do something this selfless for someone else. You are right it is normal to feel the sadness because even if he wasn’t yours you did help create him. You gave him a home for 9 months while he got ready to come into this world. His parents are so lucky that it was YOU who did this. I know I personally could never be this strong. You truly are an inspiration. It’s going to take awhile but you will feel better and looking at that happy baby boy how could you not feel blessed to have been a part of his creation.
Crystal says
Thank you so much, T. Marie. I do feel incredibly blessed to have been able to be a part of such a magical experience.
trisha says
Crystal, I think what you did was nothing short of a miracle…one for creating and carrying a human, but for realizing the sacrifice you gave at the same time. I applaud you for sharing what so many probably feel.
trisha
Crystal says
Thank you, Trisha. I’m usually not one to share my feelings but I felt I needed to get it out there. Writing the post was very therapeutic, for sure.
Sandra (at) Coasahmom (dot) com says
What a beautiful gift you have given. Over time your heart and body will mend just keep remembering what you have done and what you have given to this couple. You are what I would call and Angel on Earth. #hugs
Crystal says
Thank you, Sandra!
April Decheine says
It has been to long not being back hear and hearing about you and your family and the wonderful gift you have given another family. You are beautiful and so is Zachary!
Crystal says
Thank you, April!
Jennifer @ Mom Spotted says
Awww you brought me to tears. I can’t imagine doing what you did and it NOT being an emotional rollercoaster.
Brandy says
In all honesty, I wouldn’t expect you to feel any other way. You are right, it means you are human, you care and I am big on biology doesn’t “make a family” so you are a part of this little boys “family” even though he is not “your son” so you are going to obviously experience the hormone changes that came with carrying this sweet bundle and the fact that his parents are keeping you involved is just great, I bet they look at you as a true blessing. You have helped them have a Blessing, because after all that is what life and a little baby is <3 Keep sharing emotions and all of it honestly because I believe this is completely normal and I think you realize that too. I understand the mixed feelings within your own self too. HUGS and LOVE!
Stacie @ The Divine Miss Mommy says
You did such a great for another family. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope that you find peace. Hugs.
robyn says
What a special person you are to have done this. {{hugs}} to you.
Crystal says
Thanks for the hugs, they are much appreciated.
Paula @ Frosted Fingers says
This is exactly why I couldn’t do it. You are so strong. It takes a lot to lay your feelings out there for everyone to read. You did a great thing.
Karen says
Take all the time you need to recover from this birth. It was indeed a huge sacrifice and a huge gift you gave. Zachary and his family will love you for ever. I have been in your shoes, not as a surrogate, but as a birth mother when I put my child up for adoption over 40 years ago. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of that child. The first year or maybe even five were the hardest for me. I know you will feel better, but until you do, know you did the right thing for all the right reasons.
Crystal says
Oh Karen, I had no idea. What a sacrifice that had to be for you.
Kelsey Apley says
Oh my gosh what a doll!!!!!! Sounds like a little bundle of joy!!!!
Kelsey Apley says
Hit enter too fast, whoops. That is amazing to see the story of surrogacy, I think it is such a wonderful gift to give to someone. We actually lost our first child and I know how it feels to want a baby. My sister lost her two boys as well, and she would do anything for a child, and finally was blessed with her daughter. I wish pregnancy was easy for all women, but it is nice to see people sharing such an amazing gift!!
Crystal says
So sorry to hear about you and your sisters losses, Kelsey!
Crystal Green says
I think that is such a wonderful gift you’ve given that couple. I’m sure they will forever be grateful to you. I can see why you are going through what you are though!! God will richly bless you.
Natalie | One Busy WAHM says
Having a baby is a ridiculously emotional experience on it’s own – let alone with the wonderful gift of surrogacy that you gave. Emotions are exhausting and draining, be sure to take some time out for you too. And Zachary – he is one gorgeous little baby boy!
Crystal says
Thanks, Natalie! Emotions are terribly draining and lets just say I’m glad I am where I am now, instead of where I was when I wrote this 🙂
Allison Cooper says
What a wonderful story to share and a wonderful gift you gave to Zachary’s family. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your experience.
Crystal says
Thanks for reading, Allison!
Bernice says
Hi, there
I’m about to start this journey with my IP’s I’m just worried about the loss and pain after giving Baby over to them. What emotions did you experience and why. Thanks
Crystal says
Hi Bernice and congratulations! Being a surrogate is such an exciting, rewarding experience.
I’ve also written two other articles you might want to check out:
https://simplybeingmommy.com/2013/03/08/one-month/
https://simplybeingmommy.com/2013/10/08/8-months/
As my article states, it was hard for me. I had no issues handing over their baby, it was walking out of the hospital baby-less that started an emotional struggle. I wouldn’t change anything about the experience and I’d do it all over again even knowing what I know now. Good luck with your journey and please let me know if you have any questions.
Chiobhón says
Hi Crystal.. so glad to find your blog. Im embarking on my first surrogacy journey, and I feel the same as you did. It will be HARD, I know in my heart this is what I need to do..that it comes from above..but im scared out of my mind. Would love to stay in touch xx seeing the fertility doc tomorrow