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Four Months

I know it has been a while since the last one month update and I wish I could say there was a good reason why I’ve been quite.  But quite honestly, there hasn’t been a surrogacy update because every time I would sit down to write, the tears would start falling, just like they are now.  Because I didn’t want to deal with the emotions and the deep aching from my heart, I would push it further and further down my to do list, burying it as deep as I could.

This isn’t easy to write.  In fact, I hate writing it.  I hate not being the superstar that you all think I am.  I hate not being able to say things are all peachy and happy and that I’m doing absolutely amazing and that the world has never been brighter.  But it simply just isn’t how things are.

I told myself I would be honest about surrogacy, that I would share everything about surrogacy, and I haven’t done that.  I’ve hidden my emotions, I’ve tried to sugar coat how much my heart aches, and I’ve come to the conclusion that this, all that I’m experiencing and feeling, is part of surrogacy.  It’s not wrong. I shouldn’t be ashamed.  This only proves that I’m human and it’s absolutely normal to feel this way.

Today, precious little Zachary turns four months old.  I can’t believe it’s been four months.  Four months since I said goodbye to the baby I had been carrying and caring for just as if he was my own.  Four months since I walked away from the hospital, leaving the baby I had just delivered in the loving, caring arms of his parents.  Four months.  Wow.  It’s really been four months.

Surro-Baby Zachary

My relationship with Zachary’s family is more than I could have ever asked for.  They’ve been great about sending pictures and when I see that little boy and just how happy he is, it makes it all worth it.  They sent me flowers for Mother’s Day, which couldn’t have come at a more perfect time.  I woke up the Saturday before Mother’s Day feeling down, discouraged, insignificant and then there was a knock on my front door with flowers.  It’s those gestures of love and gratitude that reassure me that I did the right thing.

Zachary’s parents have chosen to remain anonymous and I’m going to honor their requests but I wish you could see them together. I was looking back at pictures from the hospital when they were first meeting their little boy and it was more emotional than I thought it would be. One of the few times in my life that I was proud of myself. Proud of what I accomplished. Proud of what I’d been able to give someone. Proud of the family that I helped create. There simply aren’t words to describe it.

At one month it was all still so new and fresh and even now at four months it is still so new and fresh.  I figured by now it would be a distant memory.  One of those things you remember but really doesn’t affect your day-to-day life anymore.  But it’s not. My brain knows what happened.  It knew all along.  But my heart and my body…they’re not doing so well.  My heart aches for the baby it thinks I’m supposed to be loving on and my body aches for the baby that it thinks I’m supposed to be caring for.  Every day is a constant battle, an internal tug-of-war.

I’m just now getting to where I’m not hating myself for feeling this way.  I’m just now realizing that it’s normal.  What wouldn’t be normal was if I could just walk away, unaffected.

Surrogacy is a gift of loveIt’s a gift of sacrifice.  And there is nothing about love or sacrifice that is easy.  But I can tell you from experience that love and sacrifice can change your life.  It can give hope and joy…for the giver and the receiver.

About Crystal

Crystal Reagan, the owner and founder of SimplyBeingMommy.com lives in Small Town, Texas with her husband and 3 children. Crystal and her website have been featured on local and national news stations including Channel 2 Houston and ABC News. She has also appeared on BetterTV as a Mommy Expert for VTech.

Comments

  1. 1

    Aww he is getting so big – the gift you have given them is so incredible.. An absolute blessing!!! 🙂

    • 2

      He is, isn’t he? It’s hard to believe it has already been four months.

    • 3
      Pam Carrie says:

      You have given Zachary the gift of life. It is now up to his parents to guide him. However, they did choose YOU to be his surrogate Mother, so they must have good judgment. You are a very giving and generous woman, Crystal, to be able to share your life, your body, and your time in this way. As I had much difficulty in getting pregnant and was married 10 years before I had my first child at age 31, I can tell you what great yearning I had to be a mother. You are an answer to someone’s prayers.

  2. 4

    Beautiful you are such an amazing woman for giving such gifts

  3. 6

    I adore you and you are a hero. <3 Thanks for being transparent.

  4. 8

    You did a truly wonderful and selfless thing for a family to be. You should be proud of yourself and it’s an honor to learn from a woman like you.

    • 9

      I am proud Vanessa. I just wish it was easier on the other side. I’ll get through it and once I do, I’ll have a story of victory to tell.

  5. 10

    I don’t see how you could not feel affected by the whole journey and not still have emotions. I’m sure you will have those emotions for a very long time. I think that’s what amazes me about surrogacy, is how selfless it is, yet you still have all of those emotions. He is just too cute. I love how he has his little tongue sticking out in all of those pics. I wanted to add that you are looking tiny and great for 4 months post partum. I saw some of your pics on FB that you posted from Florida and I would have no idea that you just had a baby 4 months ago!

    • 11

      Awww, thanks Tiffany! I still have a pooch but I’m back to my pre-pregnancy weight. His little tongue cracks me up. I know it will get better, it’s just pushing through until then.

  6. 12

    I clicked on this when you tweeted it earlier this morning and it has been open on my computer ever since.

    I’m a birth mother.

    I also didn’t believe that I would feel sad, that I was stronger. I candy-and-sugar coated for much longer than you have, sharing this truth only four months out. A decade into all of this, the loss has never gone away, the grief is still there. But it’s not as constantly-in-my-face as it once was in the days, weeks, month and yes, even first years of it all.

    I will be thinking of you. Don’t hesitate to reach out if you want to talk.

  7. 14

    Post pregnancy hormones are bad enough when you have your baby in your arms, I can’t even imagine what you are going through. But I love this post, because I wondered how the heck you were able to do it so easily, and now I see that you (because you have the heart of a mom) really didn’t find it so easy, and that makes total sense to me…you did a wonderful thing, but it hurt to do anyway because it’s NEVER easy to let go of a baby, even if you were carrying it for someone else.

    (((Crystal))) I’m so sorry, and I’m not sure if the pain will ever totally go away, but as you see him grow up happy and well cared for, at least that will be something to help you…he is here because of you 🙂 You did a beautiful thing, you brought him here to bless this world with his presence.

    • 15

      Thanks, Penelope. I tried so hard to hide behind the hurt, but in the end it was doing more harm than good. I realized I had to, to begin healing. I know in time it will get better. I still wouldn’t change anything though. That’s how I know I did the right thing 🙂

  8. 16

    I honestly don’t know how surrogates do it– what you’re feeling has to be normal.

  9. 17
    TawndaM says:

    *sniffle* You honestly did great… <>

  10. 19

    I can easily see how this would be a jumble of mixed emotions. He is an adorable little boy and you truly blessed his parents.

  11. 20

    Hugs girl, you did an awesome thing and you know that. I hope that over time the hurt is a little less because you deserve it!

  12. 22

    Honestly, I’d most likely feel the same way. However, what you did was beyond amazing! He is absolutely adorable.

  13. 24

    You are a hero. <3

  14. 26

    Sweet, Crystal. I wish I had words of advice — sage phrases or just the right verse to pass on to you. But I don’t. I only have my admiration, prayers and virtual hugs.

    Don’t be ashamed of how you feel. And, don’t bottle it up.

    • 27

      Thanks, Rachel. I knew I had to write this to begin healing. It definitely wasn’t easy, but I know I did what I was called to do and in the end, I’ll be fine. It’s just getting there that’s hard.

  15. 28

    You are amazing and I can only imagine how hard it is for you. (((HUGS)))

  16. 30

    This gift is so amazing and selfless. I can’t imagine the ache you feel. Hormones after pregnancy are insane with a baby by your side… I don’t know what I would do if that baby wasn’t there. I hope you will find a peace in your ache. I know you know you did the right and best thing. I just hope one day you can look and smile without ache. Praying. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, the whole journey. XO

    • 31

      Thanks, Emily! I look forward to that day when there isn’t that ache but even with the ache, I can’t help but smile when I think about the journey. I wouldn’t change any of it, even if I could.

  17. 32

    I think you are a superstar BECAUSE you shared your feelings. Well, and for doing this in the first place. You’re a strong woman & it’s okay to hurt. You did an amazing thing.

  18. 34

    What you did, and gave to someone else is something words can’t describe. You are a human being, of course it can’t be like dropping off a sack of potatoes, it was a gift of love and with love sometimes there is pain.
    I hope in time your pain eases, because you brought joy into the world .

  19. 36

    he is such a happy baby look at him. Such a blessing.

  20. 37

    ((hug)). I’m glad your getting this out. I found that by being honest and admitting what is in my heart, I can finally move towards letting it go. You are amazing for doing this and I don’t know how it could not be a struggle.

  21. 39

    I can only say these would all be very normal feelings, they’d have to be. You gave such a great gift to a family. Writing this for us all to see was brave and like you say you have nothing to be ashamed of, you’re human. He is such a cutie!

  22. 41

    ((hugs)) You are awesome.

  23. 43

    Oh Crystal, I just want to give you a big hug. Thank you for sharing your journey with us. In time, I am sure it will get a bit easier.

  24. 45

    You are inspirational and amazing!

  25. 46

    I’m glad that you’ve come to not be ashamed of feeling this way. I can’t imagine what it would be like to share such a special bond of having a little person grow inside of you but realize that bond was just temporary. I’m sure he’ll forever be a part of you, just as much as your own children. I’m glad that his parents have been so open and appreciative to you 🙂

  26. 48
    Kathy Steele says:

    As a woman who has not been able to carry a pregnancy I believe what you did for that family is AMAZING! It is the most wonderful, unselfish and giving thing a person can do. On behalf of everyone in their and my shoes THANK YOU!!

    • 49

      I’m so sorry to hear that Kathy. I hate infertility. So many loving couples have to battle this silent struggle. Huge hugs to you, my dear.

  27. 50

    I agree with so many of the other comments that I was wondering how you were getting on so well because I KNOW I’d be feeling the exact same way. Pregnancy and post partum hormones make (most) feel a super strong attachment to baby. Knowing that he belongs to someone else isn’t going to change what your body is telling you. It is so natural. I applaud you for being perfectly honest because it can’t be easy to admit all those things out loud. It is certainly the main reason I haven’t dug real deep into the surrogacy option because I fall so madly in love with my babies (my hubby is convinced I get some extra shot of hormones). And even if I constantly told myself it wasn’t my baby, I know my heart would ache to give them up, even if the baby wasn’t technically my blood. I think it is what makes us good mamas. And the fact that you are willing to take this journey and those feelings head on for another couple makes you so very special and selfless indeed. {hugs}

    • 51

      Thank you, Emilie. I tried to be strong and push the feelings and emotions aside thinking that if someone truly knew how hard it was, that they wouldn’t do it. I want women who feel they are called to be surrogates to enjoy the journey. Not spend the entire process scared of the future. I researched surrogacy and not once did I read how hard it was afterward. I truly thought it would be easy for me. It wasn’t my blood, wasn’t my baby. But I quickly figured out that these women must suffer in silence or either they are stronger than me. Regardless, the whole story needs to be told and as hard as it was, I knew I had to. Even with the struggle, I wouldn’t change anything. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

  28. 52

    I love that you wrote this. I have always wondered how surrogate mothers do it, and I’m grateful to hear the true feelings that go along with it. They sound like perfectly normal reactions to me and it’s just another sign that you have really done an amazing thing for that family (((HUGS)))

  29. 54

    I just finished reading a novel by Angela Hunt called The Offering. Oh Crystal — if you read it, you would so feel this woman’s emotions in the pages. You are amazing and an inspiration to so many. I am truly glad that you are honest and open about how you are feeling. So many women go into surrogacy thinking they won’t be affected.

    Your story will touch so many and God will truly honor that. You have such a big blessing in store to give to another couple who desperately wanted to have kids but could not. If no one else says, I am proud of what you have done.

    I am sure that God felt the same way when He gave up Jesus for us. It was hard for Him, but in the end, He knew what was best 🙂

    ((hugs to you today my friend))

  30. 56

    You have given the gift of life and I can’t imagine that was easy at all. I loved reading how “real” you are allowing yourself to be! We only get to live one life and living it behind a mask isn’t living it!

  31. 57

    This was beautiful and raw. Crystal, thank you so much for sharing your true, honest heart. I do not know first hand, but I want to say how much I admire you for sharing it here in the public. Others who HAVE gone through this will read this post and understand that it is normal, and they are normal. You are helping so many just by sharing your troubles.

  32. 59

    I completely understand where you are coming from. They explain the hormone shots, the fertilization, and the physical demands, but they never explain the emotional demands by becoming a surrogate. You, my friend, are amazing, and your emotions just further prove that. This little boy is so lucky to have had you as his home for close to ten months. I hope you know just how wonderful and special you are.

    Please tell me you’re coming to SW this weekend so I can hug the ever-loving CRAP out of you!

    • 60

      Thank you, Lisa. I understood the whole process, I just had no clue how I would be affected when it was all over.

      I am not coming this weekend 🙁 I’ll hold you to the hug though next time I see you 🙂

  33. 61

    This is so interesting to me because I NEVER had any of these feelings after I delivered my surrogate babies. I never yearned for them, my heart didn’t ache. I only had happiness for the new families and relief that I didn’t have to care for triplets! lol I wonder if that means something is wrong with ME?

    You know I understand the wonderfulness of it all. The feelings of accomplishment when you saw that family for the first time. It’s what I hold in my heart and cherish the most. Not the children.

    Time will heal. ((HUGS))

    • 62

      I have extreme happiness for Zachary and his parents. Knowing what I know now, I wouldn’t change a thing. And if this makes any sense, I don’t yearn for Zachary.

      I haven’t completely made sense of it all myself, but never once have I thought or wished that Zachary was mine. He isn’t mine, or my husbands, but that doesn’t heal the hole in my heart or make my heart ache any less.

      I cared for him as if he was my own, following the rules completely, singing to him, talking to him. I wanted him to feel loved, even though he wasn’t mine. I knew he wouldn’t be coming home with me, but I wanted him to feel completely safe and comfortable during our time together.

      I’m not holding on to him or the memory of him. I took this journey because my family was complete. I wanted to help complete another. Maybe my heart is more sensitive than yours? I don’t know. But honestly, I don’t think there is anything wrong with EITHER of us. We are all different. We handle things differently. But I wasn’t going to remain silent on how I was feeling for fear someone else didn’t feel the same way.

  34. 63

    You have done an awesome thing! Your feelings are totally natural! You are a rockstar!

  35. 65

    You have given the most precious gift that anyone could receive. Simply amazing! I do believe you will heal little by little in time ♥

    I love that you decided to share your true feelings, this may help others who are feeling the same way due to surrogacy or other loss of a child.

    (( HUGS ))

  36. 67

    Hugs mama, I can only imagine the pain you feel but I’m so glad you feel the happiness too because what you did was and always will be amazing. I don’t think any less of you because your heart hurts. Even though he isn’t yours and you get that your heart still grew to love someone who is no longer there. Hugs mama.

  37. 69

    What a heartfelt post. I can only imagine how you must feel and the daily ups & downs you must face. It’s wonderful that you wrote this to be honest and transparent. I’m sure it will be very helpful to others who are contemplating surrogacy and will enable them to be prepared for the emotional attachment that comes along with it.

  38. 71

    You are such an awesome person!!! Thanks for always sharing your experience with us. You are amazing!

  39. 73

    when I read what you were doing, I knew I couldn’t be that strong. He is a beautiful little boy.

  40. 74

    Awww, he is so precious. I just got to see my little surro-baby a few days ago when we were in Arkansas and I can’t believe she is about to be one.

  41. 76

    I LOVE that you are human. You made an amazing sacrifice and should feel every ounce of love for the little guy. I pray that you forever have the relationship with him and his family. I think it would be therapeutic for you. He is gotten so incredibly big and, by the way, you are a rock star in my eyes!

    • 77

      Thanks, Staci! Sometimes I wish I was not affected by it, but then it wouldn’t have been a sacrifice. I always try to put others needs before mine, and sometimes it is more difficult than others.

  42. 78

    Thank you so much for writing such a personal post and sharing your honest inner most feelings and emotions. Our family is happily complete with three children, however as someone who struggled with infertility myself, I have secretly debated surrogacy a few times within the last three years. What has stopped me is the possibility that I may feel exactly as you do now. So, just as you helped Zachary’s parents become a family by carrying that precious boy, you continue to help others, like myself, with your openness and honesty.

    • 79

      Thank you, Marcie. Although surrogacy is hard, I would do it all over again in a heart beat. The rewards are far greater than the sacrifice.

  43. 80

    I didn’t think it was appropriate to tell you when I saw you, but I can speak a little bit from the other side.
    As someone who could not have a baby on his own, I was able to adopt a baby and it was the dream of a lifetime come true. The biggest gift from God I could ever have imagined (and you met him!).
    I could go on forever, but instead I will just tell you that you are an absolute ANGEL. You gave a gift that cannot possibly be measured. You helped create a family.
    Go through all your feelings and emotions, that is how you get to the other side. And know in your heart that the happiness that you have with your kids is something you were able to give to people who could not have kids. That makes you an absolute ANGEL from heaven!!!!
    I had been wanting to tell you that since September!
    Mitch

  44. 82

    I’ve been thinking about you. I’ve wondered how you were doing. I know it has to be very, very hard. You’ve done so much to be proud of, but this isn’t your only accomplishment. You’re a fabulous wife, mother, blogger. You’re an incredible person.

    Sending hugs as you move forward with a new title of fabulous surrogate mother.

  45. 84

    Since you had him, I have been wondering how you were doing. You are such a sweet person and I had a feeling that you were hurting inside because leaving a hospital without the baby you have been carrying for 9 months must be the hardest thing in the world. I am glad that you shared on this post because I know that I am not the only one curious to how you are feeling.

    You have done something so amazing and its great that you are keeping in touch with the family. I hope you keep us updated as the time goes by too!

    Lots of hugs!!!!

    • 85

      Thanks, Stefani. I’m not good at sharing my inner most feelings and I prefer to keep that side of me hidden. I think of myself as a strong person, but right now, I don’t feel so strong. It is nice to have support from all of you. It’s heartwarming.

  46. 86

    My heart breaks for you and tears stream down my face as I write this too. I can’t imagine the feelings that you’re experiencing right now. Our maternal instinct is to care for our young. We can’t dictate how we feel or react and to your body and your brain, this baby was your own. I hope you’ll be able to take comfort in the fact that you’ve done something many other women (myself included) couldn’t have done and is so incredibly selfless and wonderful at the same time. ((Hugs))

    • 87

      Thank you, Kelly! I know I’ll come out stronger on the other side, if I can make it through the battle. Thanks for the virtual hugs 🙂

  47. 88

    I cannot imaging going through the feelings you are, I’m sure your hormones are also playing a part in how you are feeling. You know how I feel about what you have done, I am in such awe of you, and know that it is such a beautiful and loving thing you did for this family.
    In so proud of you for writing this and being so honest in your post. You are a brave, wonderful woman.

  48. 90

    Crystal
    I am proud of you and what you were able to do for this family. Just keep trusting in God and he will bring you through this. You did a wonderful thing and this is just one of many things that you have done that I am proud of. I am honored to be called your Dad. I love you and I wish I could take away the pain but since I cannot I will be here for you to help you through it. Live you baby girl.
    Dad

  49. 92

    You are Ah-mazing, Crystal! And everything you feel is normal… normal for you. You are entitled to feel what you feel. Whether Zachery is yours or not, you carried him so you have all those hormones going on. You gave such a precious gift to a couple, and YOU are a precious gift yourself. Thank you for sharing such a personal post with us. {{{hugs}}}

  50. 94

    You SHOULD be proud of yourself. That’s amazing.

  51. 96

    I’m not the least bit surprised that you’ve been struggling but it pains me to know that you’ve been trying to put on a brave front about it. I’m so sorry that you are hurting this way, but happy that you feel fulfilled with having had the chance to help another family in this way.

    Love you.

  52. 98

    What an incredible gift you gave them.

  53. 99
    Shannon says:

    I can’t even imagine how hard that was to write. You have been in my prayers daily. You are amazing and you SHOULD be proud of you.

  54. 101

    Oh Crystal I am in tears right now. I can only imagine the tug of war that your heart must be going through. You seriously are one of the most amazing people I have ever met!!! I struggled getting pregnant with my first son and after two heartbreaking miscarriages I wondered if I would ever have a baby. I wanted one so badly and I thank god everyday for my two kids. I can’t imagine how I would have felt not being able to carry my own. The gift that you gave these two parents is one that no one else could have ever given them.

    I pray that your heart heals quickly 🙂

    • 102

      Thank you, Mellisa! I hate infertility with a passion and that’s why I needed to do what I did. In time my heart will heal, I know that, but I felt I had to be 100% honest about this journey, for myself and others who may be feeling the same way.

  55. 103

    Oh my goodness, it’s cuteness overload looking at him. I’ve said it before but I will say it again, you are amazing to have done this!

  56. 105

    I’m so sorry you have these mixed emotions- wish it could be easier for you, but you did something so unbelievable wonderful for a family that many people would never be able to do.

  57. 107

    I’m still in awe of this amazing and wonderful gift you gave to a couple. He is absolutely gorgeous and getting so big.

  58. 109

    Crystal, I keep praying for you, and so is my husband! We both think the gift you gave is a beautiful, self-less act that is priceless. Your post is wonderful, don’t ever beat yourself up for being too honest, that’s part of why you started sharing the journey on here anyway, to give an unabashed, unfiltered, realistic account of the journey. Don’t feel bad for the time it takes your heart and mind to heal, either. I get that you don’t necessarily yearn for Zackary, but your body does, and it’s just going to be a process, one that might last a very long time. I think you are doing fantastic. Keep sharing, all these people love you and want to hear more!

  59. 111

    I have been away for so long, what an amazing story! You are so amazing! God bless you!!

  60. 113

    I honestly would be worried if you weren’t feeling this way. Your feelings just show that you are a loving, caring, giving person with motherly instincts. You’ve done a beautiful thing and have nothing to feel guilty about.

  61. 115

    What an amazing blessing you are. You have me in tears and in awe over your selfless sacrifice. You are such a beautiful person. Thank you for being so transparent and honest in your post. I’m simply wow’ed by you!!!

  62. 117
    Crystal Putnam says:

    God will bless you for this wonderful thing you’ve done!!! Thanks for being an amazing member of Social Fabric! You are in our thoughts! #cbias

  63. 119

    Oh my goodness – he is precious!!

  64. 121

    Such cute and happy pictures! Just brightened my day a little. 🙂

  65. 122

    With tears in my eyes I’m sending you tons of hugs!

    What a gift you’ve given and he’s just perfect!

    • 123

      Thanks for the hugs! They are much appreciated.

      • 124
        Pam Carrie says:

        I was married 10, almost 11 years before our first son was born. My husband and I were happier than you can imagine.. We had been through though those many years of infertility in our marriage, and then one miscarriage. Oddly, it gave me hope that I could, at least, get pregnant. Now our oldest child is age 34. Our daughter is 29. I feel so lucky to have been a Mom and now a Grandma. My despair during those years of infertility was such a month-to-month sadness. No one knows unless they have been through that sadness. You cannot imagine how many baby showers I went to with a deep sorrow in my heart for what I was missing! I loved being a Mom. I am so thankful for FINALLY finding a Gynocologist who could help us. YOU, Crystal, are the answer to some couple’s heart’s desire and fulfillment. I cherished the life experience of raising children. Now, I love the opportunity to help my children with their child care. Never underestimate the gift you have given.

        • 125

          Thank you for sharing your story Pam and thank you for your kind words. It is because I can’t imagine a life without children that I did what I did. Children truly are miracles, no matter how they are brought in our lives.

          • 126
            Pam Carrie says:

            I agree, Crystal, children are miracles. I truly believe that appreciation for the small things in life is so important. I am so very thankful just to watch my grandchildren at play!

  66. 127

    It’s so great that you’re sharing your story for others. Even as much as it hurts to. He is turning out beautiful.

  67. 128

    Adorable!!! Thanks for sharing… I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through! Stay positive and tough!

  68. 130

    You are amazing and an inspiration to others Crystal. You gave parents the blessing of life that they might not have had if it weren’t for you love and generosity. This was an honest, heartfelt post and I’m sure we all appreciate it. 🙂 xoxo

  69. 132

    He is just SOOOOOOOOOOOOO gorgeous. YOU did that!

  70. 133

    Zachary is beautiful!

    I am so glad you shared this post and are finally working through some of the feelings you have been experiencing. You did a wonderful thing! Hugs!

  71. 135

    I am proud and amazed at how strong and loving you are, I bet the Big Man upstairs is too. I fostered and had slightly similar feelings. But giving birth to a human being is probably the most powerfully strong bond any two people could ever have and its got to feel like a piece of you is missing. I know you know what you did was right and beautiful and I hope you have complete peace some day just knowing that. You gave birth to four amazingly beautiful people and that is a fact that will never change. Blessings to you.

    • 136

      Thank you, Wendi. We are at the six month mark now and I’m feeling better and am able to embrace this beautiful journey and all the emotions that came along with it. I know in time, it will be much easier.

  72. 137

    Your sacrifice is inspiring. Your sense of loss is natural and shows how much love you gave to Zachary and his family. You are a wonderful person and you should never feel insignificant. You are continuing to give Zachary and his family the gift of his life – every day of yours. You should be very proud of yourself.

  73. 139

    totally gave me goosebumps! It takes such a strong person to do something so selfless, my hats off to you. I am very lucky to have met you and I hope we can chat again soon! I have so much to learn from you in all of life!

  74. 141

    I really must applaud you for doing this. I have always believed you needed to be a strong person to do something this selfless for someone else. You are right it is normal to feel the sadness because even if he wasn’t yours you did help create him. You gave him a home for 9 months while he got ready to come into this world. His parents are so lucky that it was YOU who did this. I know I personally could never be this strong. You truly are an inspiration. It’s going to take awhile but you will feel better and looking at that happy baby boy how could you not feel blessed to have been a part of his creation.

  75. 143

    Crystal, I think what you did was nothing short of a miracle…one for creating and carrying a human, but for realizing the sacrifice you gave at the same time. I applaud you for sharing what so many probably feel.

    trisha

    • 144

      Thank you, Trisha. I’m usually not one to share my feelings but I felt I needed to get it out there. Writing the post was very therapeutic, for sure.

  76. 145

    What a beautiful gift you have given. Over time your heart and body will mend just keep remembering what you have done and what you have given to this couple. You are what I would call and Angel on Earth. #hugs

  77. 147

    It has been to long not being back hear and hearing about you and your family and the wonderful gift you have given another family. You are beautiful and so is Zachary!

  78. 149

    Awww you brought me to tears. I can’t imagine doing what you did and it NOT being an emotional rollercoaster.

  79. 150

    In all honesty, I wouldn’t expect you to feel any other way. You are right, it means you are human, you care and I am big on biology doesn’t “make a family” so you are a part of this little boys “family” even though he is not “your son” so you are going to obviously experience the hormone changes that came with carrying this sweet bundle and the fact that his parents are keeping you involved is just great, I bet they look at you as a true blessing. You have helped them have a Blessing, because after all that is what life and a little baby is <3 Keep sharing emotions and all of it honestly because I believe this is completely normal and I think you realize that too. I understand the mixed feelings within your own self too. HUGS and LOVE!

  80. 151

    You did such a great for another family. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope that you find peace. Hugs.

  81. 152

    What a special person you are to have done this. {{hugs}} to you.

  82. 154

    This is exactly why I couldn’t do it. You are so strong. It takes a lot to lay your feelings out there for everyone to read. You did a great thing.

  83. 155

    Take all the time you need to recover from this birth. It was indeed a huge sacrifice and a huge gift you gave. Zachary and his family will love you for ever. I have been in your shoes, not as a surrogate, but as a birth mother when I put my child up for adoption over 40 years ago. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of that child. The first year or maybe even five were the hardest for me. I know you will feel better, but until you do, know you did the right thing for all the right reasons.

  84. 157

    Oh my gosh what a doll!!!!!! Sounds like a little bundle of joy!!!!

  85. 158

    Hit enter too fast, whoops. That is amazing to see the story of surrogacy, I think it is such a wonderful gift to give to someone. We actually lost our first child and I know how it feels to want a baby. My sister lost her two boys as well, and she would do anything for a child, and finally was blessed with her daughter. I wish pregnancy was easy for all women, but it is nice to see people sharing such an amazing gift!!

  86. 160

    I think that is such a wonderful gift you’ve given that couple. I’m sure they will forever be grateful to you. I can see why you are going through what you are though!! God will richly bless you.

  87. 161

    Having a baby is a ridiculously emotional experience on it’s own – let alone with the wonderful gift of surrogacy that you gave. Emotions are exhausting and draining, be sure to take some time out for you too. And Zachary – he is one gorgeous little baby boy!

    • 162

      Thanks, Natalie! Emotions are terribly draining and lets just say I’m glad I am where I am now, instead of where I was when I wrote this 🙂

  88. 163

    What a wonderful story to share and a wonderful gift you gave to Zachary’s family. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your experience.

  89. 165

    Hi, there
    I’m about to start this journey with my IP’s I’m just worried about the loss and pain after giving Baby over to them. What emotions did you experience and why. Thanks

  90. 167

    Hi Crystal.. so glad to find your blog. Im embarking on my first surrogacy journey, and I feel the same as you did. It will be HARD, I know in my heart this is what I need to do..that it comes from above..but im scared out of my mind. Would love to stay in touch xx seeing the fertility doc tomorrow

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